Freaking nightmare

How do thoughts get life? Why do we start to think about things that hurts us? 

Everytime I think my thoughts about life has dissapeared they just sneak back in and ruin my day. Why they ruin my day? Cause they remind me of every single bad thing I have experienced in life. So, why can't we think about good memories and happy songs when we lay down? Does it have to be dripped in sorrow all the time?

I know, I asked a lot of questions I never will achive finding an answer to. We all have our own lifequestions, that somewhere down the line we want a clear answer on. Do we have to get burned to understand life? Why can't we just enjoy our life without all those things which is simile to pain, sorrow and broken. 

It feels like I never will let loose, let loose all those hard feelings I have towards many people from my past. And even people from this presence. My heart is ripped in two, no not my heart, my soul is ripped apart. I don't feel like me anymore, feels like I am floating above myself and watch how I am falling apart, piece by piece. And nobody safes me, not even I, myself tries to fix me. 

Oh what would life be if I weren't me in this life? Would this shell I am living in still experience everything I have experienced? Or would my shell with another me, a stranger experience a whole lot of a better life than I have been living? What release the factor in whom that is going to have a good life and whom is going to have a sucky one?

I have to say that I really don't understand why my life is so damned screwe. I have one perfect friend, that is everything for me and she does my life better to live. And I also have my boyfriend, which I love very much. Of course my parents has always been good to me, nothing to complain about. 

If I were to complain about something with my parents, I would say me. I am the mistake, the problem who just makes life harder for them to live. Wish I had been nicer to my mum and dad when I grew up, not being such brat and hurt them so much. I can't forgive myself for hurting and dissapointing my parents. They are everything to me..

Kath